Letters of the Little Things
by amandacarmela
Summary: Ryan and his ex-girlfriend Kayla write letters (that are not immediately sent) to each other about the things they love and miss about one another and their encounters.
1. Letter 1

**Letters of the Little Things**

_Ryan – Letter #1_

I was just lying in my bed one day trying to sleep. And you just randomly popped up in my head. I don't even know why. It's not like we've seen each other or talked in a while. It just happened.

Then a few days later, while I was driving to my warehouse, this song came on the radio, and it reminded me of you. It made me miss your smile, your cute laugh, the way you poke fun at me, and just . . . you.

And then it happened again. I was at my mom's house, and I remembered all of the times we had there, how my mom loves you, and how you and my mom and everyone sat in my room planning my eighteenth birthday party.

I'll be walking down the street or just going through random junk and the littlest things will remind me of you, making me miss you.

_Kayla – Letter #1_

I was at the mall, just accompanying my brother so he could get a new longboard, and I saw your deck. It had a little caricature of you on it, and it made me think of the you I knew, with your buzz cut, clean, shaved face, and green eyes. I remembered the way you smiled and laughed at me with your long hair when I joked with you that first time we hung out in a long while, that trigger. Then I was on the internet and saw a picture of that LOVE statue. It made me think of you and your Plan B t-shirt. That made me think of how you loved (and still do) what you did and how you loved how I would just sit and listen to whatever you'd say. It made me think of how you hated that you missed my eighteenth birthday, but loved that I was happy you made it up to me.

And then I was on campus walking to my class, and I saw a girl with a Coach purse (as if I don't see that everyday). It reminded me of how you brought me that Coach purse as a gift when I got back from my trip and how much we missed each other. Then I remembered our first kiss.

I remembered our first date as I drove past Boomers and how cute it was that you came to me, because you were bad at mini-golf. I remembered when you drove me home and how sweet you were to call me five minutes later. You couldn't go five minutes without hearing my voice then, but now, we haven't talked in ages.


	2. Letter 2

**Letter of the Little Things**

_Ryan – Letter #2_

I finally had free time so I went to the beach to go surfing. It was even the same spot where we sat before we went to La Fondue. It reminded me of you and your adorable self and how that's where I told Mitch and Casey we were official. I was so happy we were official. You were what I'd been looking for. You made me smile so much that evening. It was nice to just sit on the beach watching the gorgeous sunset. And that reminded me of when we were on your balcony, and we just stood there watching another gorgeous sunset. I just held you close in front of me, and it was just perfect. I miss those perfect moments.

_Kayla- Letter #2_

I was at the beach watching people surf, and I thought of Surfer Poll. I remembered how you looked for me and we ended up sitting right behind you. You kept looking back and smiling, flirting with me. I smiled back. You had your long hair and looked so cute whenever you turned your head back even the slightest bit to smile at me. You went up to present that award and when you were done, you came straight to my table. You asked how much longer we were staying. You said we should hang out, and I agreed. You left, and I was blushing like crazy. My friends and I couldn't believe you asked me out. Then I thought of when you, Casey, and Mitch were at the beach before La Fondue. You wanted me to watch you make a fool of yourself. I loved that. I loved your goofy, yet serious personality. That's one of the things I loved about you. Nowadays, I can't tell if you have that same personality. I hope you do.


	3. Letter 3

**Letters of the Little Things**

_Ryan – Letter #3_

I visited my dad at his office this morning. We didn't fight at all, reminding me of when we did. I thought of how you said that you thought I had to invite him to my Christmas party. It reminded me of how sincere you were whenever I vented to you, like that time or when we were playing pool at your house. You listened to every word I said. I thank you for that. Your sincerity and listening are just two of the little things I loved about you. I doubt that's changed about you.

_Kayla – Letter #3_

I was just running errands around town, and I passed Gordon James. That's where you took me for my late birthday dinner. We had such a nice time there. You were so cute asking if we were official. You had the biggest, most genuine smile when I told you we were together. You looked so handsome in that button up shirt. (And you still do when you dress up. You should wear suits more often.) It was a big change from the jeans and t-shirts I'd normally see you in. You walked me to my porch afterwards when I got home. It was such a romantic night and showed me how gentlemanly you were, I hope you're still like that.


	4. Letter 4

**Letters of the Little Things**

_Ryan – Letter #4_

I visited my mom at the old house today. We had so many memories there. At my Christmas party, we sat on the couch and opened gifts from each others. You got me a sick (and quite expensive) Gucci wallet, and I got you jewelry from Tiffany's. That was one of the nicest gifts I've ever received, and little do you know, I still use it today. I should've told you that you were moving too fast in the relationship for me right then and there. Maybe things would've turned out differently if I had.

_Kayla – Letter #4_

I was on my way to work when I saw a limo. I've been in a limo multiple times, yet I thought of when you left for your Dominican Republic trip. I drove to your house as fast as I could so I could see you before you left. I got there just in time. I almost missed you. I yelled, "Wait!" and the driver stayed put. I opened the door and kissed you goodbye. Then you left. I stood in your driveway smiling, but I knew I was going to miss you. I'm starting to miss you again.


	5. Letter 5

**Letters of the Little Things**

_Ryan – Letter #5_

I took my brothers out to lunch today. We went to Sonny's and sat at the same table that I sat at with you, Casey, and Taylor. That was the first time we talked or hung out in a long time, and it wasn't even awkward like it usually is with girls. It felt so natural talking to you and hanging out with you. It was effortless. You were so cute with your laugh, telling me that you want to go to Australia, and saying that you were going to wear Calvin Klein underwear. (I know you weren't kidding.) Our lunch at Sonny's was so comfortable. Talking to you was so easy. That was one of the reasons I liked you from the stat. It was never awkward with you. It comes naturally, like it's meant to be. Now that's something I look for in a girl, but I haven't found it.

_Kayla – Letter #5_

I feel a bit guilty writing these letters now that I'm not single, but I feel like it shouldn't matter. We don't talk anymore, and it's good to let my feelings out. It's not like you're ever going to see these letters anyway. But anyway, I'm not even sure this makes sense, liking this guy and missing you at the same time. Maybe it's not you I miss as much as having a boyfriend? But I know that's not it. Because this whole time that I've been writing these letters, I specifically mentioned things that pertain to you specifically, not just a boyfriend, like the way you are with your brothers. I remember when we were on my balcony, and you were talking about how Kane adores you and wants all these expensive things. You felt like you were negatively influencing him or something. He was only 8 at the time, so he shouldn't have wanted all of the things you did. But the truth is, you weren't negatively influencing him.. He just loves you so much and wants to be just like you. He just thought you were the best brother he could ask for, and I'm sure he still feels that way. I don't really know what you've been up to lately, but I hope you're still the best brother he could ask for and a good influence on him.


	6. Letter 6

**Letters of the Little Things**

_Ryan – Letter #6_

Today was definitely unexpected. I never would've thought that you'd come back in my life right when I start thinking about you. To be honest, I wasn't sure if I was going to think about you ever again. I was in a pretty negative mood until you ran into me in line at the grocery store. Seeing your pretty face definitely made me light up. It also made my day. You're even prettier than you were the last time I saw you. I didn't even know that was possible. Your laugh is also cuter than it was the last time I heard it. It also wasn't awkward talking to you again after all this time. There's something about you that makes it easy to talk to you. I don't know what it is, but I love it, and I always will. I'm starting to think this is something I can only find in you.

_Kayla – Letter #6_

With all the thinking I've done about you lately, it surely was a surprise to run into you today. This place had no prior memories of us, as it was only the grocery store, so it was a first. I ran into you in the line. I recognized the back of you r head the second I got in line. Though I would usually complain about a long line, it was a blessing this time. The long line gave us an opportunity to catch up (except I didn't tell you about Matt, which I probably should have). You have the same personality and sense of humor. You still have a buzz cut, but not a clean, shaved face. You definitely have more tattoos now, but I could tell that deep down, you're the same guy I fell for. I guess it doesn't show to anyone but me.


	7. Letter 7

**Letters of the Little Things**

_Ryan – Letter #7_

What's weirder than running into you once in one week for the first time in years is running into you twice. Today it was at the gas station. You were at the pump next to me, and yours wasn't working. The line inside was pretty long and you had somewhere to be, so I let you use the pump I was at and paid for your gas. You thanked me and told me I didn't have to do any of that, but I insisted. I have no reason to not help you. You've helped me so many times and don't even know it. Plus, I think you deserved something good from me considering I did hurt you when we broke up and when I didn't hang out with you at my party. I'm really sorry for that. Hopefully, today made a little bit of the pain I've caused you go away. It was nice to see you again. I knew this had to be a sign, seeing you again, so I asked for your number so we could properly catch up. You told me it was the same as it was in high school, but I lost it somewhere between then and now. So we exchanged numbers, you hugged me goodbye, said thanks and left. This may sound weird, but you give good hugs. I miss your hugs.

_Kayla – Letter #7_

This week has been weird, but in a good way. I saw you again today, and it definitely made my day. I was running late to work, and I need to fill up my car, but the pump was broken. Unbelievable. I was going to go inside and tell the employee that it was broken, but the line was terribly long. Fortunately, you pulled up at the pump next to me and let me use it. You even paid for my gas. That was very sweet of you, but unnecessary. I appreciate it though. I felt bad, because I was in such a rush, and I feel like I should've thanked you more, but luckily I got your number, so I can thank you later. Maybe we can properly catch up. Maybe I'll tell you that I've been thinking of you. Maybe I'll tell you that I feel guilty about it. Maybe I'll tell you why.


	8. Letter 8

**Letters of the Little Things**

_Ryan – Letter #8_

It's been a few days since we last saw each other, and I still haven't called or texted you and vice versa. I honestly don't know if I should. I mean, I want to, but should I call/text you first? I feel like if I do, I seem desperate. Then again, I did steal your phone number out of Taylor's phone a few years ago just to talk to you. That probably seemed desperate too. I don't know what to do. But I have been thinking about you a lot lately when I've had the chance, (my life is pretty hectic right now) so it seems like a goo idea. I hope it's a good idea.

_Kayla – Letter #8_

It's been a few days since we ran into each other at the gas station, but neither of us have contacted the other even though we exchanged numbers. Knowing you, I would have thought that you would call/text by now, but you haven't. I mean, come on. A few years ago, you stole Taylor's phone just to get my number to text me. Now that I actually gave it to you properly, you haven't contacted me. But I'll stop criticizing, because I know communication goes both ways. I've decided that I'm going to call you tomorrow, because I really need to confront this situation. I feel really guilty thinking about you, because right now, my heart belongs to Matt. So it's not fair to you or him. I need to figure out my feelings for you so I can tell him and stop feeling guilty. I know I should be honest in a relationship, as you do too, so I need to figure out what I'm feeling exactly. Then I can tell you. Then I can finally tell him.


	9. Letter 9

**Letters of the Little Things**

_Ryan – Letter #9_

You beat me to it. You called me today. You said that you wanted to catch up, so I got excited. But then you said we needed to talk, so I got nervous. I'm not sure what you need to say, but I'm all for meeting up with you. Ever since we ran into each other the other day, you've been o my mind almost all the time. I keep remembering all of the memories we've shared, good and bad (but mostly good). When we catch up tomorrow, I hope it goes well, and I hope everything comes easy for us like it has been lately. If it does, maybe we can try it again, because I need someone like you in my life, and I've been thinking that there is no one like you.

_Kayla – Letter #9_

I did it. I called you. That's the first step in my plan. Hopefully everything goes well tomorrow when we catch up. When I called, I was unsure of where we should meet. I didn't know if we'd want to be reminded of our history or if we'd want to start off fresh and somewhere new. I decided to pick Wahoo's. It was somewhere we had been before, but not alone. (Plus, I know you love it there.) I thought that would help with my feelings about you. I don't know. I'm just nervous for tomorrow, but I've really got to get this out.


	10. Letter 10

**Letters of the Little Things**

_Ryan – Letter #10_

I'm glad I got to see you for more than five minutes today. It was a nice change from our run-ins of late. And since you called first, I confessed first. When I told you that I'd been thinking of you lately, you told me that you had too. That made me relieved. I was surprised to learn that we both started thinking of each other before we ran into each other at the grocery store. It's like a sign or something. I was pretty happy and excited until you said that you had something to tell me. Then I got nervous. You told me you were seeing someone, and I felt like a part of me dies inside. (I know it may sound weird, but it's true.) You said that you felt guilty for thinking about me so much while you were seeing someone, and I found another reason to love you. You are so considerate and caring. I don't know very many people who would feel guilty about that and think it's unfair to the guys to be thinking about one guy while seeing another. That just amazed me. I wasn't even angry that you said you have a boyfriend. I was too fazed by the size of your heart. So then I asked you if that's what you needed to talk about, and you said yes. I asked where that left us. You said you didn't know and that you needed to talk to your boyfriend about what you're feeling lately and that we shouldn't hang out until you figure it out. I agreed. I know I like you, but it's not my place to decide what you do with your life, so we left it at that and just finished our lunch talking about other stuff. He's lucky to have you.

_Kayla – Letter #10_

I finally said it. I finally told you that I was feeling guilt for thinking about you and seeing someone else. You took it surprisingly well. That's something new. You seem to be more understanding than you were before. I like it. However, I was not surprised that you had been thinking about me. I was surprised to learn that it was before we ran into each other, especially since that's when my thinking began too. I don't know if it's a coincidence or a sign. I haven't figured it out yet. I'm still waiting for God to answer me, but I'm being patient. I'm glad we finally caught up, but now I'm nervous to tell Matt that I've been thinking about you. I'm scared. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't want to lose either of you as I've formed newfound relationships with both of you. Though I am unsure of what will happen, I know God has a plan for me. I just hope that whatever happens, you'll be okay with it.


	11. Letter 11

**Letters of the Little Things**

_Ryan – Letter #11_

It was hard to not think of you today. I knew that you were going to confess to him today. I kept thinking about what could happen. I could potentially lose you. But I had a job to do today, so I did my best to focus. It wasn't easy, but I did it. Today reminded me of the time I first knew I liked you. I couldn't stop thinking about you, just like today. Well, whatever you decided and whatever happened today is what God meant to happen, so I'm going to have to live with it, whether I like it or not.

_Kayla – Letter #11_

So I told him today. And I'm not sure what to think. I don't know if I should consider the result bad or good. When I told Matt, I didn't get an immediate response. He sat there for a minute in shock or something. You would think I'd feel as if the weight of the world got lifted off my shoulders after I told him, but I didn't. I was even more nervous than before because he wasn't doing anything. I didn't know what was going on. After a minute, he took a deep breath and finally spoke. He asked why I didn't tell him immediately. I told him I needed to figure out my feelings first, and he understood, thankfully. Then he asked me how long this thinking had being going on, and I told him a week. I'd been going out with him twice as long. After that, he thanked me for being honest. He wasn't angry, or so it seemed. I was a bit relieved, but only a bit. I mean, I still didn't know what this all meant, so I still felt weight on my shoulders. He took another deep breath. "We should take a break. We're not necessarily breaking up, but we're not necessarily together." That's what he said. He also said I need to figure out my feelings more in depth and figure out what I want to do and who I want to be with. I asked him if he was angry and told him to be honest, as I was with him. He said he understood. You were my boyfriend and have been my friend for years, so it's only natural. Of course he's a bit upset but not angry. Anyway, I guess I should actually tell you this now, even though I'll feel like I'm picking you over him, but this involves you, so you have a right to know. I just don't know if I should call you and tell you or meet you somewhere, 'cause if we met somewhere, then I'd feel as if I'm actually picking you over him, and I'm not picking anyone . . . yet.


	12. Letter 12

**Letters of the Little Things**

_Ryan – Letter #12_

I heard my phone ring and my face lit up when I saw your name on the screen. But then I realized why you were probably calling, so I got nervous. I answered and you told me that you and him are taking a break because he said you should. I asked what that meant for us since I knew that you would feel like you were picking me if we continued to hang out. You said that I know you so well. I never realized it, but I guess I do. Then you told me that you need to think about this whole thing and need to talk to someone else about it. I respect your decisions and will wait for you to call again. Hopefully you call again, whether it be good news or bad.

_Kayla – Letter #12_

I don't know why I'm still writing these letters, 'cause I feel like I'm picking you by doing so. But I guess I can't just not tell you, because it does involve you. Besides, you can't start a story and not finish it. So today, I called Taylor. We haven't talked in a while since we're both busy and she's in New Orleans , but we promised each other we'd talk at least once a month. I told her my dilemma. She definitely wasn't expecting that, but I wasn't expecting this whole thing to happen either, so tit only makes sense. She asked me if I missed you or the memories I had with you. I honestly didn't know. I mean, yeah, I missed the memories I had with you, but was that all? So then I asked her how I could figure that out. That stumped her. Then we changed the topic and talked for about an hour. The I went to confide in my mom. What my mom said was the most surprising. She told me to go see a therapist, so I did. Honestly, I felt so dumb going into that office. I mean, there are people in the world with real problems and here I was complaining about my love life. Anyway, I entered he office and instantly felt weird. The walls were and eggshell white and were completely blank with the exception of three framed diplomas hanging above the desk. The therapist told me to take a seat, so I did. The couch was a bright yellow and everything in the room looked like it came from an Ikea catalog. It didn't feel like a therapist's office at all. What was this bright couch supposed to do? Make me feel happy and like everything was going to be alright? 'Cause it wasn't. Anyway, she asked me why I came to see her, and I told her I felt rather selfish and stupid being there and that my mom recommended I go. I told her about my situation with you and Matt. She had me write down a list of what I missed specifically (pertaining to relationships and whatnot). Then she told me to make two more list: one of memories I had with you and one of memories I had with Matt. Then she took the lists from me and asked me several questions. I told her about these letters. She asked me why I didn't start writing any to Matt since I was taking a break from him. I honestly didn't know. I guess I figured I'd tell him my decision when the time came. She told me not to think of you or him and tell her what qualities I'd like in a boyfriend, not things like surfer or enjoys the outdoors, but things like someone I can talk to about anything and makes me laugh. Once I finished that, she asked if I had the letters I'd written so far. I actually did, so I gave them to her. She asked if she could read them, and I told her I didn't mind. She read them rather quickly and said that I have a connection with you that I don't have with Matt. I instantly told her that I never had sex with you or him, or anyone for that matter, to clear that up in case that's what she meant, and it wasn't, so I felt a little dumb and embarrassed. She said you and I are more connected on a deeper emotional level than I am with Marr. I asked if it was because I have known you much longer time, but she said that wasn't the case. After all, I had no trouble opening up to her, whom I just met. That was true. Then I asked if that meant I missed you. She said it didn't necessarily mean I missed you, but according to all the info I gave her, she could tell I was yearning for something I was missing. Seeing that I did (I do?) have a boyfriend, something wasn't right. She told me that I subconsciously knew what I wanted, but my selflessness and caring heart blocked me from seeing that. So it turns out that I don't miss just the memories we had, but just you, overall, I guess. I felt relieved to have the answer I'd been waiting for, but my selfless and caring heart felt bad for Matt.


	13. Letter 13

**Letters of the Little Things**

_Ryan – Letter #13_

It's been a few days since you last called. I've been so anxious waiting for you to call again. I miss hearing your voice. I miss you. Whatever you've been up to, I hope you're happy and that you're doing what's best for you. I just want you to be happy, especially because I've seen you when you weren't, nd that broke my heart. The only times I've seen you upset were a result of me, so I feel awful about that. It was my eighteenth birthday party, and we were at the Oakley Headquarters. I thought I was there do to a photoshoot, but it was a surprise party. You, my mom, and the rest of my close friends planned it. You and my mom were actually the biggest parts of planning it. I got there and was astonished. Everyone I loved was there, even some people I haven't seen in months or years. I was so happy and grateful. I hung out with all those people I hadn't seen in forever, which unfortunately meant I never hung out with you, and you were a large contributor to the party. You kept asking Mitch, Tony, and Casey where I was, but they didn't know either; they didn't really need to hang out with me because there were having fun regardless and were with me 24/7 anyway. You weren't like them though. You had friends at the party, but not that many, especially since there were so many people there, probably over 100. You wanted to hang out with me, at least for a little while. You were definitely right to be upset, since we were together at the time, and I never hung out with you at the party. I saw you once at the beginning and gave you a hug and kiss, but that was it. I should have hung out with you at least or a few minutes, and I'm sorry for it. At the time, I had no idea you were such a big part of my party, so I felt terrible the day after. I was having so much fun and got caught up in the party. Luckily, you weren't angry at me. You understood that I hadn't seen half of those people in ages, and let me do what I wanted. You were still smiling when we met up and I told you I enjoyed my party. You were happy that I was happy. You didn't even care tat you didn't have a good time. You were selfless, so unlike myself. Unfortunately, that day, I felt like our relationship wasn't working the way it should. You were great throughout the whole thing, but I wasn't. I wasn't being selfless and everything was going way too fast for me. I wasn't being the boyfriend you deserved, and that was not okay with me. So I broke up with you, and I know it broke your heart. You instantly sobbed, but I was still there to be your shoulder to cry on. I just wish I didn't have to be. It broke my heart too. I hope I never make you sad ever again.

_Kayla – Letter #13_

Well, I figured out my feelings, I guess. But I still don't know what to do. Thankfully, I had work to get my mind off the topic for a bit. But then it came back one work was over. So I called Taylor. I told her everything that happened with the therapist and asked her how I should tell you and him and who I should tell first, but I think I already knew the answer to that. Taylor didn't know how I should tell you and Matt, but she did say the fairest way to tell you and him would be at the same time, because she knew I would feel bad for telling you before him or vice versa. So I guess you're going to have to meet him. I am definitely not looking forward to this.


	14. Letter 14

**Letters of the Little Things**

_Ryan – Letter #14_

You called today! I smiled as I saw your face on my iPhone's screen. But I was nervous to hear what you had to say. You said that you weren't calling to tell me your decision or whatever. Instead, you said you would tell me over coffee . . . with him. I asked why, and you said it wouldn't be fair to tell one of us before the other. There it was again. I saw your good heart and care again, something I love about you. So I accepted the fact that I would have to meet this guy. I just hope he won't beat me up. Despite being able to see your gorgeous self, I will not be looking forward to this coffee . . . meeting? I don't know what to call it. Whatever this thing is, I am not looking forward to it.

_Kayla – Letter #14_

When I called you today, I could tell you were happy to hear my voice. I'm glad to know that, but I knew you wouldn't be happy to hear what I had to say. When I told you my plans to tell you and Matt at the same time, I could tell that you were not looking forward to it. But that's okay. I'm not either. I bet you were hoping that you wouldn't get beat up once you met him. Well, I assure you there will be no violence, because I will not allow it. If there is, I would take back my decision and pick no one. I'm probably not even going to talk to whoever gets there first to be fair. I'll just sit there and let it be awkward, and then I'll let it be even more awkward when both of you are there. Why am I even allowing myself to be around all of this awkwardness? This reminds me of the time when I went out to lunch with you, Casey, and Taylor at Sonny's. We all thought it was probably going to be awkward, but it wasn't at all. Everything during that lunch date was fun and effortless. It wasn't awkward at all, and I am thankful for it. Now I only wish our meeting or whatever could be like that, but that's impossible.


	15. Letter 15

**Letters of the Little Things**

_Ryan – Letter #15_

I'm so anxious about tomorrow that I can't fall asleep. I even skated to see if that would help since it would make me tired and fall asleep, but it's not. So here I am writing until I fall asleep. It's a good thing we're having coffee tomorrow, because I'm going to need it at this rate. I've never had a problem going to sleep before, not even before my first X Games or anything. Actually, now that I think about it, I was a little anxious the night before I took you out for your birthday, but I was super tired from the trip, so I managed to fall asleep. I remember when I woke up that morning; I was super happy and smiled the whole day. My mom was wondering why I was so happy, and I told her I was going on a date. I know people think it's like not masculine or whatever to be excited for a date (unless you know you're going to do it), but I didn't even care because I missed you and liked you so much. I was never embarrassed to show my excitement about you towards others. Some guys might not let their friends see how happy and in love they are, but I didn't care. Besides, I was (and still am) a millionaire athlete, so who cares if I'm happy to be in love? I had something most guys would kill for. I guess that's why I'm so anxious. I could get that all back. Well, I know that's why, not I guess. I'm still a millionaire athlete, but I'm not in love anymore. Did I just say I was in love? Because I don't think I ever told anyone that I was in love with you. I never actually considered myself as someone in love, even when we were dating. I guess I was subconsciously, because I don't even think I ever told you that I love you. Now that I look back, O guess I was in love with you. I mean, I know we only went out for like two months, but I fell in love with you almost instantly. You're perfect.

_Kayla – Letter #15_

Today was easily the most awkward day of my life, and it's only 10:30 AM. So I went to the Starbucks by the skatepark at 8:45 to get there early and ordered my drink. I sat at a table in the back corner of the store for five minutes until you walked in. You saw me and said hi. I said hi back. You got your coffee and sat down. You took off your own signature Oakley sunglasses, and ti definitely looked like you needed that venti iced vanilla latte. It looked like you only got three hours of sleep. Then you put your sunglasses back on, because it was rather Sunday where we were sitting since we were right next to the window. Anyway, you asked if Matt was here yet, which didn't make sense to me since there was clearly no other drink on the table, but then I realized that you didn't know what he looks like, so he could be some random guy in line. So I told you no, and we sat there in awkward silence. I wasn't lying when I said I wasn't going to really talk to whoever got there first, so I just sat there drinking my Frappuccino and looking at stuff on my iPhone. Five minutes later, Matt walked in, but I pretended not to notice his entrance. He went straight to the line once he saw that I "didn't see him" and ordered his drink. The line was pretty long, so he didn't sit down for another five minutes or so. Then, he tapped me on the shoulder to let me know he was there. I said hi and introduced you to each other. We all sat there in silence for a good minute as you and Matt waited for me to speak. I felt so nervous. There were butterflies in my stomach. You two were seriously just watching me as you drank your coffee, and it was not helping at all. I had never been so nervous before in my life, not for my first kiss, my first date, my first volleyball game, surf competition, or photoshoot. It was terrifying. I knew I was going to break someone's heart today, and it made me sick to my stomach. I hate hurting people. I wish this never had to happen. I'm not saying that I wish I never reconnected with you, because that would be a lie. I just wish I didn't have to end up hurting someone. So I took a deep breath and spoke. It was like the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders . . . until I felt guilty for hurting someone.


	16. Letter 16

**Letters of the Little Things **

_Kayla talking to Ryan and Matt at Starbucks_

"So, I've done a lot of thinking, and talking, about . . . this, and I just want to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that someone's going to end up heartbroken when this is all over. Actually, more than one person will be, because I'm going to be upset by the time this is over, because I don't want to hurt anyone. I wish I wasn't in this situation, but it is what it is. God meant for this to happen, so I accept it. After you, Matt, told me I needed to sort out my feelings and that we should take a break, I didn't hang out with Ryan either to be fair to the both of you." Ryan nodded his head to confirm. "I talked to Taylor about this, and she asked me if I missed you, Ryan, or just the memories we've shared. When she asked me that, I realized that was the biggest question I needed to answer. So I asked her how to figure that out, but she didn't know. So I asked my mom, and she told me that I should talk to a professional about this. Two days later, I went to go see a therapist and felt like a selfish idiot for being there to talk about my love life when I knew there were people waiting to talk who had legitimate problems, not just a problem with their love life. Anyway, I talked to the therapist about a lot of things for a pretty long time, and I reached a conclusion," Kayla said as her eyes began to water. "No matter what I say, just know that you're both fantastic guys and that any girl would be lucky to have you. I like both of you. I do. And I don't regret having a relationship with either of you. But I just have a special connection with one of you that I don't with the other. It's inexplicable . . . I do have feelings for you, Ryan, and I have the special connection with you. But Matt, Ryan, I'm sorry. I can't be with either of you. I'm really sorry." Kayla started crying as the tears fell from her eyes like a waterfall; she ran off to the bathroom. Matt and Ryan awkwardly looked at each other. Both me had expressionless faces and showed no hatred toward the other. Neither wanted to be there for another second. Matt told Ryan it was nice to meet him and that he had nothing against him. The two shook hands and left as both decided it was best to leave Kayla there as they knew she didn't want someone waiting for her when she got out.

_Ryan – Letter #16 _

Your speech (I guess that's what I'll call it) from today once again showed me why I love you. You were so sweet and kind throughout the entire thing. Your selflessness was highly apparent as you continued to apologize when you had done nothing wrong. I just wish you weren't sad, because you're too thoughtful and have too kind of a heart to be sad. I am pretty bummed that you said you can't be with me though. I'm glad you have feelings for me and that we apparently have this awesome, special connection, but I do wish we could be together, especially because you bring out the best in me. Why can't we be together?

_Kayla – Letter #16_

Telling you and Matt that was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I wasn't expecting myself to cry, but I did. I also wasn't planning on saying that I couldn't be with anyone, but the more I kept talking to you two, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't pick one of you and date him while leaving the other heartbroken and lonely. It would make feel so guilty and terrible, even more than I already am. I feel like a terrible person for hurting Matt like that, but I also feel horrible about telling you how I feel but saying that we can't be together. It's like I told you that I want to be with you forever but I can't. It's like I told you exactly what you wanted to hear but for it to be completely false. No one ended up happy from this, and it's all my fault. When I came out of the bathroom, it was only a minute or two later as I did my best to keep my composure. I was hoping you both left despite the swiftness. You did, so I grabbed my Frappuccino and left. Thankfully no one seemed to notice what had just happened to me, so I was able to leave without interruption. I went home and called Taylor. She asked me what happened, and I told her everything. She comforted me and said everything was going to be okay. Matt would be fine. Ryan would be fine. And will be too. I hope she's right. Our conversation got cut short since she had to go, so once again, I confided in my mom. I told her about Starbucks. She told me I did nothing wrong and that I was very considerate in feeling bad for Matt, but I had no need to. She gave me more motherly advice and made me feel a lot better, but not completely.


	17. Letter 17

**Letters of the Little Things**

_Ryan – Letter #17_

I gave you the rest of the day to think about what happened at Starbucks and just relax since I knew that must have been terrifying and super nerve-wracking. Props to you for doing that. I would never be able to do that. I couldn't even tell you that I thought our relationship was moving too fast. So you have a lot more guts than I do. I mean, yeah, I take a lot of shit from people and take hard falls from skating all the time, but that's not the same. You have an emotional strength I admire. You're definitely one of the strongest people I know, emotionally at least. Anyway, I gave you a day and waited to call you. I don't know if you wanted me to call you or not since you left for the bathroom in tears and didn't tell me anything, but I needed answers, so I called. You picked up, and I was glad. I asked you how you were doing since I knew it would be extremely rude to not ask and go straight into why we couldn't be together. You said that you were okay, better than yesterday, which is good. Then you asked if I called to ask why we couldn't be together. You know me so well. I admitted it, and we talked. You told me that you didn't plan on saying that you couldn't be with anyone, but as you kept talking, you just couldn't do it. You couldn't be with me right after you did that to Matt. It wouldn't be fair. I understood, but told you that life's not fair and that you're too sweet to be bummed out. You need to do stuff for yourself too. You're the most considerate and selfless person I know. It's good to be considerate, but you have to think of yourself too. Your selflessness never seems to end. You have such a big and loving heart, but you need to take care of it too. It's not your job to make others happy. Of course you're welcome to, but you need to make yourself happy too.

_Kayla – Letter #17_

I'm glad you called today. Your phone call really opened up my eyes. This whole time I thought I was being selfish in this whole situation with you and Matt, but I haven't been. You showed me how selfless I am, especially with the situation I was in with you two. I tough I was being so selfish by making a decision between you and Matt, but I was actually just thinking of you two (at least in the way I did it). I didn't just figure out who I wanted to be with and say goodbye to the other. I thought it all out and considered everyone's feelings. That wasn't greedy at all. I didn't want to hurt either of you, so I had to tell you the truth and be honest. Of course I was doing this all for myself too, but my speech or whatever revealed that the way I was doing it was more for you two. That's why I kept apologizing as if I did something wrong. I didn't. I was honest with both of you like I should be, and I've been punishing myself for it when I had no reason to.

I told you that before I made any more decisions about my relationship status, I needed to talk to my mom again. What I didn't tell you was that I knew I needed to see the therapist again too. After you called, I talked to my mom about what we just talked about, and she agreed. After all, she told me yesterday that I did nothing wrong. Then I asked her if it would be a good idea to see the therapist again. She said it wouldn't hurt, so off I went. I called her to schedule an appointment, but she was actually free for three hours, so she told me to come in. I went to her office and told her about the talk at Starbucks and my phone call with you. She made me do this survey thing where I answered a bunch of questions about hypothetical situations. She looked over that and asked me about my family and stuff that nothing to do with you or Matt. After about an hour, she told me that you and my mom were definitely right. I'm a very selfless person, but I never really realize it. She told me that it's completely normal to be a little selfish and do things for myself. She said she wasn't worried I would go overboard with greed because I am so selfless and hardly notice it. So then I asked her what I should do about you and Matt. She then reiterated that it's okay to do things for myself and told me to call Matt to see how he's doing. She was surprised I hadn't already done that. I told her that I was thinking abut it, but I felt the need to talk to you too, to be fair. Then you called, and I had my epiphany. Then it made sense to her. She suggested I call Matt right then and there and said she would be respectful of the conversation and not be rude. So I called him.

When he answered, I could tell he was surprised by my call. He thought that we would never speak again. I told him that was absurd, especially since we never officially broke up. So then he asked if I called just to break up. I said that would be cruel and asked how he was doing. He was surprisingly okay. Of course he was a bit upset, but God obviously meant for this to happen, so he accepted it. He said that I taught him to be more understanding, which is how he was handling this so well. Then he surprised me. He told me that after he left Starbucks, he met someone. Actually, he ran into someone he already knew but hadn't made contact with in a very long time. This girl gave him her number and told him to call her, but he hasn't since he and I never officially broke up. I asked him if he wanted to call her. He said yes nd that there was something special about this girl. I asked if he had a special connection with this girl like I did with Ryan, and he thought so. He had a really good feeling about her. So I told him to call her, and he told me to call you.


	18. Letter 18

**Letters of the Little Things**

_Ryan – Letter #18_

After I called you and you said you had to go, I was worried. I don't know why, but something in the tone of your voice just made me worried. But when I answered the door later that day, I wasn't worried anymore. I was surprised.

It was around 7 PM when the doorbell rang. It was storming and pouring rain out. I was taking a nap when the thunder from the storm woke me up. My house was empty with the exception of me, as Tony and Casey were out and about. I was too tired to go along with them, not to mention the situation with you. I got up and wondered who it was. I wasn't expecting anyone, especially in this weather. Dollar ran to the door and barked like crazy like any dog would respond to a doorbell. I opened the door to see you standing there in the storm. I asked you what you were doing here, but you just stood there. I asked if you were okay, but you just stood there. You weren't answering me. You were just standing there in the rain. I pulled you inside because you were going to get sick standing there. Once I closed the door, I began to tell you to make yourself at home and that I'd get you some towels to dry off until I turned around. You grabbed me and kissed me. It was a pleasant surprise. I was confused though. I asked what that was for, and you said it was for a lot of things, like to thank me for opening up your eyes and for all my help these past few weeks, for not being angry but understanding, and because you want to be with me. I asked about what you said at the end of your Starbucks speech and our phone call, but you said I made you realize something. You said you've done a lot of thinking and talking with your mom, the therapist, and Matt. You told me that Matt's okay and that he actually told you to call me, but you decided to come see me instead. I smiled.

I asked if you were going to start doing things for yourself now too. You said yes and kissed me.

_Kayla – Letter #18_

Today was a good day. I didn't know what to expect when I woke up today, but what God gave me is more than enough. Your phone call from today was very eye-opening. The entire day was eye-opening actually. I'm glad I talked to you today, along with my mom, the therapist, and Matt. I finally did something for myself today, and I'm glad. I thought pain was going to come out of this whole situation, but it really hasn't. We're all content. And once again, I'm yours, and you're mine.


	19. The Last Letter

**Letters of the Little Things**

_Ryan – Last Letter_

It's been two years since we got back together, and I must admit that these two years have been the best times of my life. I've never been happier. And today, I'm yours forever. Today is the beginning of the rest of our lives. Today, we officially become a family. Today, you officially become my wife. And I couldn't be more excited. I've been writing these letters for two years now. I started a little before we got back together. Today, I will give these to you to show you how much I over you, how much I've always loved you, and how much I will always love you.

_Kayla – Last Letter_

Today is the day. Today is the big day. Today is the day of many things. Today is a day I will remember for the rest of my life. Today, I will become your wife. It's been about two years since we got back together, and they have been the most wonderful years of my life (so far). I can't believe I've been writing these letters that long. I never expected this to continue this long. I figured I'd stop once we got back together, but I didn't. I just kept writing. There was so much to write about, especially the little things, like your laugh or the smile you have when you accomplish something. I never want to forget those things, and I want you to know how much I love those little things, so I just kept writing. When I give you all of these letters today, I hope you'll know how much I love you and always will, all because of these letters of the little things.


End file.
